Forgiving Others

Close your eyes and bring your attention to your body. Let go of any tension you are holding in your face, jaw, head, neck, shoulders, upper arms, forearms, hands, fingers, chest, stomach, hips, seat, thighs, calves, feet, and toes. Lean your torso slightly from front to back and side to side until you rest into a comfortable posture where you feel centered, balanced, and relaxed.

Now bring your attention to your breath. Inhale deeply, hold for two seconds, now breathe out all the tension, stress, or negativity you might be feeling. One more time. Breathe in deeply, hold, exhale slowly all the way.

As your breathing returns to normal, gently turn your thoughts and attention toward the topic of forgiveness. Think of a person or group of people you are struggling to love or forgive. Keep them in mind throughout this meditation.

We know we are expected to forgive others pretty much unconditionally.[1] And whether their trespasses are legitimate, or merely perceived by us as trespasses, doesn’t matter; it doesn’t affect our obligation to forgive. And whether they are aware of those trespasses or are remorseful doesn’t matter either. It is our responsibility to forgive others and love all people as ourselves.[2]

Why?

The “why” of forgiveness is easy: because it is a commandment, obedience of which is requisite for our salvation;[3] because the same judgment we use to judge others will be used to judge us;[4] because God won’t forgive us if we don’t forgive others;[5] and because we simply don’t want to be hypocrites.[6]

How?

But knowing why we should forgive doesn’t make it easy. Nor does it tell us how to let go of hurt, anger, and resentment. So here are four concepts to ponder that might help when you are struggling to love or forgive.

Forgiveness is for Us

First, understand that forgiveness is not for the person who wronged us—their actions are between them and the Lord. Forgiveness benefits us.

Being upset, feeling wronged, and experiencing hurt are all unpleasant feelings. Carrying around negativity, resentment, and pain is not easy, productive, or peaceful. And, since we know that Christ “hath bourne our griefs, and carried our sorrows,”[7] there is no reason to carry those feelings around with us. Nephi stated it perfectly in the Book of Mormon

if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?

And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?

Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.

Do not anger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions.[8]

Consider the feelings that arise when you think of someone you are struggling to forgive. Are those feelings destroying your peace? Do you believe that Christ experienced those feelings and can carry that burden for you through His atonement?

Feelings of resentment not only destroy our peace, but they also keep us from coming unto Christ and receiving salvation. Christ said, “if ye will come unto me ye shall have eternal life. Behold, mine arm of mercy is extended towards you, and whosoever will come, him will I receive.”[9] But, “if ye shall come unto me, . . . and rememberest that thy brother hath aught against thee—Go thy way unto thy brother, and first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I will receive you.”[10]

The stoic philosopher Epictetus pointed out that “[a]ny person capable of angering you becomes your master.” Are you giving someone power to destroy your peace or to keep you from fully coming unto Christ?

The Price has Already Been Paid

The second thought to consider is that no matter what another person has done to you, the price of their actions has already been paid. Justice has already been served. Christ’s atonement works equally for them, even if they are not repentant or have not apologized to you or even realized they wronged you. As Elder Bednar asked at a recent conference, “since the price already has been paid for those sins, would you demand that the price be paid twice?”[11]

Consider that “[t]he Son of Man hath descended below [] all. Art thou greater than he?”[12]

We are all More than One Thing

The third thought to ponder is that all humans are complicated. We are all more than just one thing. And nobody should be defined by their worst moments.[13] Another great quote from Epictetus is helpful here: “If thy brother wrongs thee, remember not so much his wrong-doing, but more than ever that he is thy brother.”

Try and make a list of positive qualities or think of positive interactions you have had with your person so that when they come to mind, you can shift your focus to those things that humanize the individual and remind you that he or she is your brother or sister. Remember, your focus determines your reality.

When all Else Fails, Pray for Grace

The fourth thought to ponder is that when all else fails, you can pray for the strengthening power of grace to allow you to let go of resentment and hurt and feel love for someone you don’t think deserves it. Sometimes you just can’t do it on your own.

Brad R. Wilcox, in his powerful BYU speech on grace, explains that through grace, “Jesus doesn’t make up the difference. Jesus makes all the difference. Grace is not about filling gaps. It is about filling us.”[14] Grace works not by making up for what we lack, but by changing us into Christlike individuals[15] who can love like Christ loves and forgive like Christ forgives.

Have you brought your struggle to love and forgive to the Lord and asked for help? Ask Heavenly Father to give you charity toward the person, or ask for him to allow you to feel His love for that person. Listen for any promptings you receive about steps you can take to forgive and love this individual.

Finally, a poem written by Megan Crist entitled “three new words” beautifully illustrates the hand-in-hand connection between loving others and forgiveness:

even the world’s finest poets

and most renown musicians

struggle to quantify love

sonnet upon sonnet

serenade after serenade

penned over millennia

—try as they may—

to expand but never entail

love in its entirety

such a long definition for such a short word

and then there’s

those three words

easy to say yet hard to convey

as they have a way of being

at once everything and nothing

I love you

I say and shout and sing

year after year to all I hold dear

yet I feel my love remain the same

until I remember that Jesus died

—a remission for your sins and mine

“Forgive them,” He said

so now I express love with

three new words instead

I forgive you, I say

to my husband, my neighbor

my brother, my friend

and myself—for we are all His

and now I know what love actually is

When you are ready, take a final deep breath and slowly turn your awareness back to your body. As you open your eyes and return to your surroundings, take a moment to jot down any thoughts, promptings, or questions that came to mind while you were pondering. And, if necessary, make a plan to act on those things.

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[1] Matthew 18:21-22 (“Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.”); D&C 98:40 (“And so on unto the second and third time; and as oft as thine enemy repenteth of the trespass wherewith he has trespassed against thee, thou shalt forgive him, until seventy times seven.”)

[2] Matthew 22:37-40

[3] D&C 64:9-11 (“Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin. I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men. And ye ought to say in your hearts—let God judge between me and thee, and reward thee according to thy deeds.”)

[4] Moroni 7:18 (“And now, my brethren, seeing that ye know the light by which ye may judge, which light is the light of Christ, see that ye do not judge wrongfully; for with that same judgment which ye judge ye shall also be judged.”)

[5] Matthew 6:14-15 (“For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”)

[6] Ephesians 4:32 (“And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”)

[7] Isaiah 53:4

[8] 2 Nephi 4:26-29 (emphasis added)

[9] 3 Nephi 9:14

[10] 3 Nephi 12:23-24

[11] David A. Bednar, “With the Power of God in Great Glory,” General Conference, October 2021.

[12] D&C 122:8

[13] Kevin R. Duncan, "The Healing Ointment of Forgiveness," General Conference, April 2016.

[14] Brad R. Wilcox, “His Grace is Sufficient,” BYU Devotional, July 12, 2011.

[15] Moroni 7:48 (“Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen.”)